


Love You Deerly

by CrabbyMaiden



Series: Drabbles From Hell [1]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor Is Not A Good Person, Angst, Blood and Gore, Dark fic, Demonic Hauntings, Demonic Possession, Drabble, F/M, Forced Self Harm (Nothing Major), Hallucinations, He's a demon actually, Magic, Mystery, Nightmares, On Hiatus, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Hazbin Hotel, Rituals, Romance?, Slow Build, Stalking, Writer Crab Hijinks, Yandere Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), ah shit here we go again, doe a deer a female deer, doen't be fooled by the comedy, no beta here just a bucking idiot, now with fanart!, oh deer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:54:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22072852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrabbyMaiden/pseuds/CrabbyMaiden
Summary: You knew he was obsessed. It was obvious from the way he ensured he was on your mind at every waking moment of the day.He told you that you amused him: that youinspiredhim. That he was making a special place in Hell, just for you and he wouldn't hear a word of protest!Youknewhe was determined to drag you down, kicking and screaming if need be. You just wished that it wasn't all because you had drunkenly bought a radio off eBay.A Dark Hazbin Hotel fic.[Each chapter will have 10 drabbles and each drabble should have about 100 words, though it varies depending on what program it's pasted in ಠ_ಠ]
Relationships: Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Reader
Series: Drabbles From Hell [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1590916
Comments: 349
Kudos: 1422





	1. Let's Begin

**Author's Note:**

> ~~what's that? i can write something that isn't undertale? huh. weird.~~  
> 
> 
> Mind the tags for this one, friends! I will be periodically updating them as I post chapters, so please take care before continuing. This will not be a light-hearted fic.
> 
> (Side note: I hope you butts are happy for dragging me into a new fandom. You know who you are...)
> 
> With that said, please enjoy~!

  
  
It all started with an eBay ad.

Not that you had actually intended on buying something off the damn website: it was a regular Saturday night and you might have had a few too many glasses of wine when you stumbled across _it_. Marked with a tacky title and accompanied by shitty pictures, your drunken ass decided that the empty spot on your end table would be perfect for the thing.

It was stupid as hell, but you _had_ to have it for the low price of $89.99!

**_"BUYER BEWARE! CATHEDRAL TABLETOP RADIO! HAUNTED SPIRIT BRINGS MONEY RICHES TREASURES! PARANORMAL!"_ **

***

You had forgotten about your drunken purchase until you had returned home from work one day to find a large package waiting on your doorstep. It took you several moments to remember what the ominous looking box was and twice that to lazily nudge it inside your door with your foot.

Something at the back of your mind told you that you should take it to the post office and send it back to wherever the hell it came from. Yet you had to begrudgingly agree with your drunk self that your end table _would_ look good with a radio.

***

The box sat beside your door for several days before you got tired of tripping on it and finally opened the damn thing. At first, the only remarkable thing was the sheer amount of packing peanuts inside it, but then you noticed the _smell_ that punched you straight in the nose.

A stench of sulfur and decay lingered in the air, forcing you to open your window to let the chilled, winter breeze clear it out. You worried about whatever germs may be in the box, so you made sure to wear your cleaning gloves as you dug into it.

***

When you finally managed to clear away the peanuts to reveal the sizable cathedral radio, you couldn't help but sit back and stare. Something about the timeless appearance of the design made you shiver: like it was somehow observing _you_ as much as you were observing it.

Which was stupid and you forced out a laugh as you grabbed the surprisingly heavy thing and heaved it up out of the box. It looked a bit grimy and smelled _terrible_ , but that was nothing a little spit and shine couldn't fix.

The frayed and shredded cord, however, was a different story.

***

Upon closer examination, you decided that yes, the cord was indeed fubar and reluctantly accepted the fact that your drunken self bought an expensive _broken_ radio. Not that you thought you'd actually use it: you doubted it would tune in to any station you'd actually want to listen to.

So, you resigned yourself to carrying it to your kitchen to scrub the stinking thing down, ignoring the ominous feeling of being watched. You wondered if something had upped and died in it, but you couldn't figure out how to take it apart to check for a dead mouse or something.

***

Once it reached a satisfying level of cleanliness, you wrinkled your nose when you picked it up and it still smelled off. Unsure of what else to do without tearing apart the antique, you grabbed a can of room spray and doused the back of it before settling it neatly on your end table.

Just to make sure the scent of decay didn't come back with a vengeance, you lit a candle and set it on the table before turning to walk away.

You didn't notice the radio flicker to life, the face plate glowing dimly as static faintly crackled.

***

Hardly a day had passed before you started noticing strange occurrences around your home.

One moment, your keys would be in your purse and then you'd find them in your freezer. Your lip balms would vanish and reappear in pickle jars. The chairs in your kitchen would be out of place just enough to stub your toe on them.

None of it was suspicious: not when you had recently learned that you were prone to doing stupid things after a couple glasses of wine.

You never suspected the radio that sat in your living room with a near inaudible hum.

***

Noises were starting to keep you up at night.

The sound of claws clicking across your hardwood floor and scratching on your walls made you wonder if you now had a rodent problem. Though each time you went looking for the source with your trusty bat, nothing was there despite the disquiet around you. 

It was perplexing, but you ultimately chose to ignore it until you could call pest control to investigate.

You thought that headphones might help block it all out, but each pair you used were picking up the same static feedback, leaving you frustrated and sleep deprived.

***

There were no signs of pests in your home, according to the professional you had called in.

They had left you with a shrug and an offhanded remark about it just being the wind rustling tree branches, but you _knew_ that wasn't what you were hearing. You paced in your living room, chewing on your thumbnail as you tried to think of what to do next when a light caught the corner of your eye.

It made you pause, squinting at the cathedral radio in confusion as you noticed that the face plate was _glowing_ somehow.

"What the fuck...?"

***

It shouldn't have been possible, considering that it didn't have a functional power cord. There was no way that it could be _on_ and you had to question if your sleepless state was starting to get to you.

You glanced at the overhead light, then lifted your hand to cast a shadow across the room. Much to your relief, it had the intended effect and broke the illusion of the radio glowing, making you laugh a bit at your own foolishness.

Shaking your head, you walked to your kitchen to clear your head, pointedly ignoring the feeling of being watched.

  
  



	2. Nightmarish Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~holy hell i didn't expect so many people to jump on board this dumpster fire sdfksl rip, those of you who aren't familiar with my terribleness~~
> 
> I should reiterate that this story will be going to some pretty dark places, so be sure you're paying attention to the tags as we go along! Take care of yourselves <3

_  
  
It didn't take long for the nightmares to set in._

_They started small, with the sound of static following you everywhere you went as glowing, yellow eyes stared down at you from all directions. You felt like a mouse trapped in a maze, endlessly wandering the expanse of darkness and guided only by a distant, yellow light._

_You never seemed to get closer. It was like it was constantly moving at the same pace as you, but you_ knew _that you had to make it to that light or_ else _._

_Each time, you would wake before you reached the end._

***

_Slowly but surely, the nightmares would increase in intensity and frequency._

_Walking in a sea of darkness would turn into running from claws that would reach out and tear at your legs. The claws would turn into wailing creatures that would rise from the shadows to give chase: letting out an ungodly, blood curdling wail as they pursued you._

_It was during one of the chases that you would actually reach the light, stumbling over your own feet to fall before a butchered doe. Its eyes were the source of light you had been running towards those many, many times._

***

You started sleeping less and less.

It had gotten to the point where your coworkers would murmur quietly in concern when you would drag yourself into work after a sleepless night. They would scold you gently, telling you that rest is important and that you should take care of yourself better, but it felt a little more complicated than just allowing yourself to sleep.

Sure, they were just nightmares but... Something felt _off._ You weren't sure if it was just the nightmares and the nightly noises finally getting to you, but...

For some reason, you didn't really feel safe anymore.

***

You didn't really have neighbors to speak of, since you lived on the edge of the woods in a house you inherited from your grandmother when she passed. It was a small, somewhat isolated home, but you had always felt _safe_ there, even when you were by yourself.

Yet somehow, you felt as though you were never alone anymore.

There was a strange air to your home now that lingered like cobwebs and suffocated you like miasma. Even when you wandered around, looking for signs of something being _wrong_ , all you got was the feeling of someone looming behind you. 

***

  
  


_There was one night several weeks into your reoccurring nightmares where the dream was completely_ different _._

_You were running in the woods, panting and choking on the thick, humid air as you tipped over the roots of trees. Someone was pursuing you, whistling a jaunty tune as you tried to bite back tears and keep moving forward._

_The only thing that stopped you from continuing was the fact that you nearly fell face first into putrid, swampy waters._

_"Oh,_ deer _, you really should smile! You're the star of tonight's show!"_

_A resounding_ **bang** _was accented by your scream of pain._

***

When you woke _that_ night, there was an unbearable pain in your left temple.

It had you curling in on yourself, crying and clutching the side of your head as if you had truly been _shot_. The agony felt too _real_ and you were surprised that there wasn't an actual wound in the side of your head, but you writhed anyways.

A tapping on your window forced you to look up, your vision blurred with tears and you locked eyes with a doe eyed deer.

Blood dripped down the left side of its head before it turned away and vanished.

***

The experience left you spooked and you promptly got up, staggering down the hall while holding your head as you went to your kitchen. Even in your pained haze, you easily found your wine cabinet and shakily poured and subsequently downed glasses one after another.

Nothing made sense. Why were you having these nightmares? Why did it feel like something was _watching_ you? Did you just imagine that deer? Were you _losing your mind_?

Letting out an uneven breath, you reached for your phone to shoot a text to your friend. Maybe you just needed a break from the isolation.

***

Staying at your friend's house was like taking a weight off your shoulders.

She was surprisingly understanding at your random request and had quickly put together a chill movie night for you both to snack and catch up. You laughed, gossiped and stuffed your face the entire night without the feeling of paranoia that you felt when you were at home. It made you feel _human_ again, without a care in the world as you focused on enjoying your night and forgetting the things that had been plaguing you.

You even slept peacefully, the night terrors nowhere to be found.

***

When you returned home, you spotted a flash of brown as you were pulling into your driveway and you craned your head to see what it was. A deer was standing just outside of the woods, observing you listlessly as you parked your car before it bolted into the trees.

You told yourself it was nothing. It was just a random deer and that was _it._ It had nothing to do with your nightmares and it had nothing to do with the noises you heard at night.

"Fucking hell... Pull yourself together," you muttered, grabbing your bags and heading inside.

***

The smell of rot nearly made you vomit the moment you opened your door. 

You instantly dropped your bags, rushing to open your windows as you coughed and covered your nose with your shirt. The frigid air left you shivering as you whirled, scanning your living room for what the fuck could possibly be making that _smell_.

A quiet chuckle made your hair stand on end and the faintest voice spoke, " _Welcome home..._ "

Your heart jumped to your throat and you quickly pressed your palms to your eyes. "Get it together. There's _nothing_ here!"

You wished you actually believed yourself.

  
  



	3. Sweep It Under The Rug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely support so far~

_You were running again, your heeled shoes sticking in the mud as you dodged around trees. Each move you made sent jolts of pain through your shoulder despite how you clutched the wound and you_ knew _you were leaving a hopelessly bloody trail in your wake._

He _wasn't far behind you, humming merrily before calling out, "Don't be shy now! You want to be famous, don't you?"_

_You choked on a sob, screaming, "Just leave me alone!"_

_The only response you got was a laugh and the cocking of a gun before your hunter pulled the trigger that killed you._

***

You woke with a start, drenched in sweat and tears as your mind fought to wrench itself from the terror it had just experienced. Phantom pains throbbed in your shoulder and temple as if your dreams had somehow affected your reality by making you suffer even when you were awake.

Scratching could be heard on the walls in your bathroom, driving your already turbulent feelings into a furious nose dive.

"This is fucking _ridiculous_ ," you hissed out, pushing aside the pain to sit up as the smell of sulfur filled your room.

You were going to _do_ something about it.

***

The sound of your TV quietly playing movies kept you company as you scrubbed down your shelves in your living room with lemon-scented detergent.

Cleaning was far from your favorite chore, but desperate times called for desperate measures - and boy were you _ever_ jonesing for a nap. The house smelled terrible and there was _some_ sort of critter wandering your halls at night, so you figured _both_ were responsible for your night terrors.

It made sense to your sleep addled mind, at least. If you cleaned _everything_ and found the source of the problem, you could _get rid of it._

***

The exhaustion made your eyes feel sticky and hurt every time you blinked, but you were pleased with the progress you had made throughout the night. It felt like you were actually doing something proactive for once and if it somehow made your problems go away? _Good_.

The master bedroom and bathroom had been scrubbed to a shine, the guest bedroom primped to its former glory and the hallway mopped to perfection. All that was left was your kitchen, living room and laundry room before you would let yourself say "fuck it, I'm done".

You hoped it would actually help.

***

You had taken to singing to help keep yourself awake, shaking your hips as you steered your vacuum cleaner along your living room carpet. The action was starting to become cathartic to you and you could imagine yourself sweeping away all of the negativity that had been gradually building over the past few weeks.

That is, until you looked up at your window, expecting to see the light of dawn filtering through - only to find a deer with half its skull blown off instead.

The doe made a bloody, gurgling noise before speaking in a ragged voice, " _Please... Help... Me..._ "

***

You screeched, accidentally tripping over the vacuum as you flailed to get away. In the brief moment it took you to fall over yourself and look back up, the deer was gone: leaving a smear of red on the window.

Behind you, the radio you had all but forgotten about suddenly clicked on, filling the air with an unbearably loud hum. You screamed again and scrambled for the bat leaning against the wall, whipping around to stare at it.

_It_ was glowing brightly, the tuning dial twisting back and forth on its own as a voice laughed in the static.

***

" _BRAVO BRAVO, WHAT A PERFORMANCE,_ " the radio screeched, barely allowing a cheerful, male voice to filter through the static feedback. " _WHAT A START TO OUR COMEDY SHOW: NOW IF ONLY OUR STAR WOULD_ SMILE _, THEN WE'D HAVE OURSELVES A BELLE OF THE BALL!_ "

You gawped at the antique, bat raised in preparation to smash the thing to bits. "Uh."

"... _WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, FOLKS, BUT FIRST, A MESSAGE FROM OUR_ SPONSORS!" There was a click and then the voice addressed _you_ directly, " _I don't suppose I could convince you to put down that bat, could I?_ "

You shrieked and swung it.

***

The moment your bat came within a foot of the radio, a sudden, golden barrier materialized around it and shattered the metal on impact. 

" _Now that you've got that out of your system, why don't you settle down and we'll have ourselves a nice little chat?_ "

You gawped, clutching the busted remains of your once trusty weapon before chucking the handle at the radio - which then bounced off the barrier and struck you straight in the gut. It laughed heartily as you doubled over, groaning and clutching yourself as you tried to comprehend just what the fuck was going on.

***

" _Really, darling. As amusing as your antics are, we have a show to run! So allow me to get introductions in order,_ " the hunk of junk crackled with a laugh. " _The name's Alastor: radio talk show host extraordinaire! And_ you _are_?"

"Out," you squeaked, quickly backing up towards the door.

" _... Pardon?_ "

"I'm out! I don't have the mental karate to fuck with a demonic radio-"

" _Now I never said I was demonic-_ "

"YOU'RE CLEARLY DEMONIC," you shouted, already stuffing on a pair of boots and tugging on your jacket to leave. "So I'm noping the fuck out right now!"

***

The moment you opened the door, a shadowy hand slammed down on the wood, forcing it shut. A slender, inhuman _beast_ leaned down beside your face, dripping blackened sludge onto your carpet as it grinned.

" _Ah-ah-ah! Don't run away just yet, my dear!"_

You stiffened in terror, your heart pounding as it forced you to step away from the door with a low snarl. It followed your movements, slinking towards you silently as you retreated backwards until your knees hit your couch, toppling you on over.

Again, the radio cheered, " _Please,_ _I only want to play a game with you!_ "

  
  



	4. Simple Rules, Complicated Situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small note that my updates are sporadic at best and I sometimes can't respond to every comment: however I _do_ read them all and your kind words always put a smile on my face <3
> 
> Please enjoy!

You had barely registered what the radio had said as the shadow-y beast hovered over you.

It looked like the creatures that had been chasing you in your nightmares: its arms unnaturally long and its head appearing to have animal like ears that made it look wolfish. You trembled and blinked hard, trying to clear away what _had_ to be a sleep deprived hallucination, yet it remained vivid in your sight.

The radio sighed dramatically and said, " _Oh, don't be afraid of this brute! He's only here to keep you from leaving._ "

You raised your hand and slapped your cheek.

***

The slap stung, leaving the side of your face tingling from the impact, but it neither woke you up from a dream nor made the _thing_ go away.

" _Was that necessary?_ "

Finally, you dared to drag your eyes away from the monster to look at the antique, taking in the aura of red and gold that surrounded it. Somehow, you felt as though it was _preening_ now that you were finally giving it your attention, but your brain still felt like it was caught in the land of "excuse me sir, but what the fuck".

"Um... Yeah. I think so?"

***

The radio tsked at you - _tsked!_ \- and chidingly said, " _Really, there's no point in harming yourself this early! I haven't even explained the rules of our game!_ "

Playing a game with a magical talking radio and its drooling shadow monster seemed like a horrible mistake that only a horror movie character would make.

"Uhhh... No? I'm not playing a game with you," you cautiously told it. “I’m not _stupid_.”

" _Splendid! I'll explain-_ " The voice paused, then chuckled as if you said the funniest thing. " _Oh, don't be silly. Of_ course _you'll be playing! You haven't much of a choice, my dear._ "

***

"Oh fuck off," you scoffed, flinching when the shadow monster hissed at you.

_Of course this is my luck_ , you thought grumpily.

You wanted to kick your drunken self for buying the fucking thing, but then you also didn't expect the ridiculous claim that it was haunted to actually be _true_. It was ridiculous. _Impossible_. There had to be a logical explanation for things that were occurring.

It started speaking again as you eyed your cleaning solution from across the room, " _I get the feeling you're not believing what you're seeing, but rest assured that this is indeed happening!_ "

***

" _No matter! You'll come to terms with your fate eventually._ " The sound of a laugh track echoed obnoxiously and you squinted at it shrewdly.

Even if you accepted the fact that you had bought a demonic radio off the internet, surely it didn't think that you _wouldn't_ try to get rid of it. In this day and age, you could probably have an exorcist fly in to slap the antique with a bible to make the demon yeet.

You pulled your phone out of your pocket, bringing up a Google search to check for local gobbledygook experts in your area.

  
  


***

The shadow beast swiped your phone out of your hands and chucked it over its shoulder as the radio let out a long suffering sigh. " _Pay attention, darling. I'm about to tell you the best part!_ "

You felt your hands twitch and your breathing grow uneven as you turned to face it again. Maybe you'd get a chance to call the Ghostbusters later and you could just push back your growing terror and stress until they arrived.

" _The nature of the game we'll be playing is simple..._ " It paused dramatically. " _All_ you _have to do is prevent_ me _from escaping!_ "

***

You stared at it as it let silence settle long enough for you to process what it just said. Preventing a demon from escaping wherever the hell it was stuck sounded like a fantastic idea, but you had a feeling that it was a bit more complicated than that.

"Keep you from escaping."

" _Yes indeedy: why, it's so easy, even a simpleton like you can do it!_ _Ah-ha-ha-ha!_ "The laugh track rolled again, punctuating its amusement towards you.

You ignored its not so subtle jab at your intelligence and snapped, "And what's stopping you from _making_ me let you out?"

***

" _Why, the prospect of entertainment, of course,_ " the radio explained as its tone of voice became wistful. " _You see, I've been uninspired for_ so _long and my audience has grown so_ bored _with the screams of torment from other demons._ "

"So what, the screams of a human who hasn't had a decent nap in weeks is funnier to you?" You couldn't believe what you were hearing.

" _Precisely! And as an added bonus, I will vow to do you no harm so long as I am trapped inside this here radio._ "

_That_ made you break out into a fit of laughter.

***

Anxiety and disbelief rolled through your system, preventing you from stopping your hysterical giggles as you clutched your aching sides. The radio was surprisingly patient with your fit, humming lightly as you wiped at the tears that were rolling down your cheeks.

" _While you're better dressed with a smile, one simply_ must _ask what it is you found so funny, sweetheart._ "

"Ahhh... _Man_ , are you for real?" You snickered a couple more times before shaking your head lightly. "I may not be the sharpest knife in the crayon box, buddy, but I know a lying bitch when I see one."

***

It brushed off your insult and even chuckled along with you in delight, " _I suppose you'll have to find out for yourself! You've already agreed to play by foolishly bringing me into your home._ "

Not a single day would go by where you _didn't_ curse your drunken self for that purchase.

Your lack of a response made the radio click, causing the crackle of static to grow louder as it exclaimed, " _YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS! IT LOOKS LIKE OUR CONTENDER IS READY FOR THE SHOW: BUT HOW LONG WILL OUR NEWEST VICTIM LAST? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!"_

  
  



	5. Cheaper Isn't Always Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a lot I wanted to say in this chapter, but I really felt the constrictions of the 100 word drabbles this time around. xD
> 
> Hopefully it's still an enjoyable chapter for you all! Once again, thank you soso much for your kindness thus far: it truly means the world to me <3

  
  
" _Well then, let's get started: let the listeners at home know your plan of attack!_ " 

The sound of someone snapping their fingers sternly made you jump and the shadow... _Thing_ melted into your carpet and shot inside the radio. You blinked owlishly, looking at the spot where it had been looming to the antique that was whistling smugly.

" _Come on now, don't be shy. Give us_ all _the details!_ "

You gave it a deadpan stare, "I'm not telling _you_ my plans."

" _Oh sweetheart, as if it really matters either way! I doubt there's much you can do to surprise me._ "

***

Something about the self assured way that it said that sent a spark of frustration through you, encouraging you to stand with clenched fists. It fell quiet, almost as if it was eagerly awaiting a reaction and you decided that if that's what it really wanted, that's what you would _give it._

You picked up the radio, your hands passing through the aura of crimson and gold harmlessly and you yanked it up off the table.

" _Oh? Are we going somewhere now?_ " It asked cheerfully, unfazed as you stomped over to the door and threw it open.

"No, just you."

***

You hefted it into the air, preparing to hurl it over your head and out onto your front steps in hopes that it would smash into a million pieces.

" _Are you sure breaking it won't set me free?_ " It drawled, amusement and an underlying threat laced in every word. " _I would devour you right away: I'm sure your heart would be tender and your liver ripe for the taking._ "

You jolted mid-throw, stopping seconds before you let go of it. Did it just... Threaten to _eat_ you?

" _By all means, take a chance, my dear! Don't let_ me _stop you._ "

***

There was a short moment where you struggled with yourself. You didn't want to believe the damn _demon_ , but you also didn't want to take the risk and become its supper. The _last_ thing you wanted was for your parents to find out that you had in fact, been swallowed whole by a blabbermouth radio you found on eBay.

Letting out a brief screech of frustration, you lowered it and slammed it back down on the end table. Maybe if you did more research, you can figure out if you could smash the thing on the concrete.

"God fucking _damnit_."

***

" _What's the matter, darling? Don't have the_ heart _to do it?_ _Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!_ "

"Oh fucking shut up, you piece of hairy garbage," you snapped as you snatched your phone up off the ground. "The sooner I can shove you down a trash compactor, the better." 

" _My, someone is rather cranky! Perhaps you should go lie down and get some rest._ "

You whipped your head around, giving it the nastiest stink eye you could possibly muster. "I wonder who I have to thank for _that_."

" _You're welcome,_ " it chirped, your sarcasm apparently flying on over its head. " _Truly, it was a_ pleasure."

***

You gave it the finger, stumbling over your forgotten vacuum cleaner as you tried to leave the room. "Yeah, I'm sure you had a freaking gaggle of laughs, asshole."

" _Indeed! You have a beautiful scream._ " 

That made you backpedal to look at the radio, your jaw slack as you registered the genuine lilt in its voice. "Er... Thanks, I guess- wait _no_. Fuck you, that's creepy!"

" _Is it? You shriek so loudly, I had simply thought you were trying to serenade our audience!_ " The antique cackled and added, " _You already have quiet the fanbase... Why don't you tell them hello?_ "

***

"Bite me," you grumbled, stalking out of the living room to head straight to your kitchen for a glass of wine to calm your nerves.

Your hands were noticeably shaking and despite your sharp, tired words, you could feel the beginnings of a panic attack creeping in. What the fuck were you supposed to do? You tried smashing it _twice_ , only to fail miserably and you sure as hell had no idea where to actually start looking for clues as to how you should get rid of it.

"F-fucking _damnit_ ," you whispered, tossing back the drink in a single gulp. 

***

You set your phone on the table and started a search of what to do if you were being haunted, reading over the results with growing doubt.

White sage, salt, holy water, graveyard dust, protection sigils... The list was endless and the results varying depending on what spirit or religion you looked under, but you cautiously settled on trying out the _one thing_ you actually had on hand. 

Not that you thought it would be _that_ easy, but you downed another glass of liquid courage and grabbed the container of iodized salt from the shelf. 

It didn't hurt to try.

***

You made a beeline to the radio, wanting to hurry up and get this over with so you could forget this whole incident ever happened. 

" _Back again so soon?_ " It asked and if it had a face, you would swear it would be batting its eyes at you.

You bit your tongue and refused to acknowledge it, pouring a thick circle of salt around it until your container was empty.

" _OUR CONTENDER HAS MADE HER FIRST MOVE, FOLKS! AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S STARTING OFF STRONG WITH A RING OF SALT! A CLASSIC MANEUVER, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF."_

***

The bombastic voice irked you, but you did your best to ignore it as you stepped back to make sure you had made a complete circle. Your heart proceeded to jump to your throat as shadows began seeping out from under the antique, creeping closer before stopping abruptly upon contact with the salt.

" _Mercy me! It_ can't _be..._ "

The shadows came together to form a hand that promptly swatted the mineral off the table, making you sputter in surprise.

" _OH, THAT'S TOO BAD... IT WAS ONLY TABLE SALT! IF OUR DEAR STAR WASN'T SO_ CHEAP _, IT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY WORKED!_ "


	6. New Rule: The Name Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of saltiness in last chapter's comments gives me life xD
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and enjoying this story so far!

  
  
You stood there, mouth hanging open as you realized that Google had forsaken you and that the hunk of junk basically called you a cheap bitch. It wasn't like you could defend yourself either: the salt _had_ been the cheapest, bottom of the barrel crap that you had bought on sale, but it couldn't _judge_ you since it smelled like a burning dumpster.

" _Oh my dear, you look so_ pale," its voice spoke and you could feel your hands shaking. " _Whatever is the matter?_ "

"I'm gonna barf," you managed to whisper, your steadily rising panic threatening to make you sick.

***

" _I beg your pardon?_ "

It seemed genuinely baffled, like you had somehow managed to offend it with the very idea that you might stress vomit right then and there. What else did it expect? For you to be excited that it completely wrecked your first attempt to protect yourself?

"I... Um... Yeah." You started feeling clammy and you your lungs began to constrict. _Did the Ghostbusters have a yellow pages ad?_ "I'm just gonna... Go find something else. Less cheap. Maybe a witch doctor."

" _Oh, witch doctors! That would be a_ lovely _surprise: I haven't tormented a shaman in_ _years!_ "

***

_Of_ course _it's excited I might call a witch doctor_ , you grumpily mumbled in your head and sighed.

" _Why, the last one I spoke to was a Jhākri in Nepal: did you know their headdresses contain peacock feathers? It gives them quite the artistic flair!_ "

You regarded it listlessly, not at all surprised that it gave so few fucks that it was jabbering on about something you didn't understand. Was it a chatterbox because it was a radio? Or was it a radio because it was a chatterbox?

" _But enough of that: I don't believe I caught your name, sweetheart!_ "

***

"I don't even _remember_ yours," you blurted before your tired mind had a chance to filter your mouth.

There was an awkward pause as the radio sputtered, like it somehow couldn't comprehend how you managed to forget its name. It was fairly easy, since you were too busy screaming your head off and breaking your bat over the top of it.

" _Alastor_ ," it reminded you in a clipped tone. " _I'd say it's a pleasure, but you still haven't given me_ your _name_."

"I'm not going to."

" _Don't be shy now. There's no harm in introducing yourself properly, my dear!_ "

***

If you could roll your eyes any harder, they'd be flopping out of their sockets. "Look, my mom is already going to be disappointed in me for buying a demonic radio, I'm not making it worse by giving said demon my _name_."

" _Darling, you'd wound a man with such coldness!_ " It - he? _Alastor?_ The thing? - bemoaned dramatically before snapping back into his cheerful persona. " _But fair enough! We'll add it as a_ new _facet to our game!_ "

"Oh _no_ ," you groaned miserably.

" _Oh_ yes _! If I learn your name, it will count as an automatic_ **lose** _for you, my dear."_

***

"What!?" 

Stressing about trying to find a way to keep the stupid bastard trapped was already enough to have you teetering on the edge of a panic attack, but now he(?) added an instant lose condition? At the rate it was going, it wouldn't matter if he got out or not: you'd just die of anxiety and exhaustion before then.

Your hands rose, but they twitched uselessly as you tried to figure out what to do with them. "I- but that's not _fair_! You-"

Alastor laughed, scolding you like you were a child, " _That's what happens when you're rude, darling._ "

***

"Rude? _Rude?!_ You're the one coming in my house uninvited," you shouted and settled for tossing your hands up in the air. "You threatened to _eat_ me!"

" _My, you are quite a forgetful one! Might I remind you that_ you _were the one who brought me here,_ " Alastor said over a laugh track.

You wanted to disagree, but really, he was _right_ and that pissed you off to no end. It wasn't as if you _knew_ that the stupid antique was actually haunted with a demon that wanted to bite your face off. Who the fuck would actually _expect_ that?!

***

" _Now if you don't mind, I'm a rather busy man and I simply_ must _prepare for the games we're going to play._ " You could distantly hear what sounded like papers being ruffled in the static. " _Run along to bed now, dear: you'll need your rest for tomorrow!_ "

You pointedly looked out the window, seeing the mid-morning sun shining in. "If I sleep now, it'll mess up my schedule. Besides, who says I'm ever sleeping _here_ again?"

" _I say! Really, I must insist: we'll be beginning our game at midnight and you wouldn't want to be dead on your feet! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!_ "

***

"M-midnight?"

The shadows surged out from under the radio, taking the form of the same creature from before as it snatched your arm up. You yelped, immediately trying to jerk away, but it simply began to drag you towards the hallway.

" _Pleasant dreams, sweetheart,_ " Alastor called after you, his voice bright and airy. " _I can't_ wait _to begin our fun!_ "

You were shoved into your bedroom and before you could turn, the door was slammed in your face. Chilled, you stared at the wood, feeling as though the darkened corners of the room were watching you.

Sleep didn't come easily.

***

_You limped and sobbed as pain made your right leg useless._

_Blood dripped from the large rifle round that had pierced your thigh muscle and shattered the bone, leaving a trail of red on the underbrush. You knew you were going to die, yet you still clung to the hope that you might still find a way to survive this._

_A rustling of leaves made you whimper and look up to see a lovely doe serenely staring back at you. It fled the moment footsteps approached you from behind and you sighed in resignation as_ he _lightly chuckled._

_"Game over,_ deer. _"_

  
  



	7. Static Visage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Note:** I will be doing my best to portray everything in as accurate of a light as possible, but keep in mind that the "Reader" character herself is _not_ an expert on religions, witchcraft, demons, spirits, paganism or whatever other similar subjects may come up in this story. She may get things wrong since she's only human <3
> 
> With that said, please enjoy~

  
  
You woke feeling hungover despite not being able to recall drinking more than a glass or two of wine.

A migraine pounded at your temple, your left shoulder throbbed and your right leg was cramping and twitching enough that you had to hold it down to massage away the ache. Each new dream of being hunted brought a new phantom pain, leaving you to struggle to come to grips with what was real and what was _just in your head_.

You didn't want to move, but the recollection of the demon in your house made you reach for your laptop.

***

**Black Salt** : _protection, banishment, repelling._

**Dead Sea Salt** : _rejuvenation, consecration, purification_.

**Pink Himalayan Salt** : _cleansing, friendship, romance_.

_Salt can be used to represent the element of both Earth and Water, depending on the tradition, and they are typically used to create barriers against unwelcome entities. There are many forms of salt that can be used, but the best types to use for magick-_

You blinked at your screen, then squinted.

_Magick_.

"What the fuck is the difference between magic and magic _kuh_ ," you muttered to yourself tiredly and opened a new tab in your browser.

_Magic vs Magick: Performance vs Occult._

***

By the time evening had rolled around, you had already bought gourmet salts off the internet, researched nearby metaphysical stores and made an appointment with a local psychic. You would have been impressed with your productivity if it wasn't just to avoid your newly unexpected roommate (for the foreseeable future).

Needless to say, you were hesitant to open your bedroom door and step out, peering down the ominously dark hall with a thick gulp. If you weren't afraid of random deer showing up and talking to you, you'd just flop out your window and sprint for the nearest Catholic church.

***

" _I was beginning to think you think you died in there,_ " Alastor chirped as you cautiously stuck your head into the living room in hopes that he was a drunken hallucination (he wasn't). " _I was just about to send my shadow to fetch you!_ "

"Uh-huh, that's cool, neat," you mumbled, power walking through the room to grab your purse and keys. "Just on my way out the door"

The radio tutted chidingly, " _Now wait just a minute, young lady: surely you're not going out in_ this _weather!_ "

You scoffed, not paying it much mind until you opened the door.

***

Several inches of snow covered everything in sight and it would have made your yard look pure and pristine if it wasn't for the mutilated deer gasping for air mere feet from your front door.

You stared at it blankly, feeling bile rise to your throat as the doe rolled its head towards you. Its eyes were begging you for help. How _could_ you help? What the hell _happened_ to it?

" _There's_ snow _way you're going anywhere in this! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!_ " 

The annoying laugh track played, making you blink hard.

The doe disappeared, taking its splattered blood and guts with it.

***

Your throat felt dry, but you managed to croak out, "It'll be fine. I've driven in worse."

"Icy _you just want to give me the_ cold _shoulder!_ "

Again, the laugh track cheered and you finally caught on to what he was saying, shooting the antique the most disgusted look you could manage. Was it _really_ going to sit there and make _snow puns_ at you?

" _There would be_ hail _to pay if you let yourself get hurt before I have my fun with you!_ "

You moved out onto your front steps and slammed the door, securely locking it before leaving.

***

Incense nearly choked you as you sat in the psychic's parlor room, questioning your life choices as a Madame Trelawney knock off prepared tea. You were feeling _doubtful_ about this, but decided to give it a chance.

"Something is troubling you, sweetie?"

"Uh... A demon, actually."

The woman laughed as she poured you a cup of tea. "We all have our mental demons..."

"Oh no, this one lives in a radio and wants to eat me."

She paused, then reached for a stack of pamphlets to hand you one that was for a therapist that used horses to counsel people.

***

Your next stop was a metaphysical store called _"Gemini",_ a quaint, easy to miss building that had a bored college student manning the register. There were stones, herbs, statues, books, clothes, incense, cards: anything you'd imagine a person would need for their rituals, the place was sure to have it.

The student scowled, watching how you awkwardly stood in the door looking lost before making a beeline for them.

"Got anything to get rid of demons?"

They rolled their eyes, but shuffled out from behind the counter with a dramatic groan, "We have a banishment kit for fifty bucks."

_Score_.

***

They stuffed all of your purchases into a reusable sack, (aggressively) telling you to have a good day and all but kicked you out of the store. You ended up spending more than you planned, but you didn't want to cut any corners so you weren't accused of being cheap again and if it got rid of the fucker?

You would be a happy customer.

Adjusting your grip on your bag, you began to head to your car when someone bumped into you from behind.

" _Oh, baby, we'll go to the picture show, won't we? You_ promised," a woman giggled.

***

You turned, about to tell the lady off for running into you when you stopped short, gawping at what you were witnessing.

She was clad in a green, beaded flapper dress with a fringed, velvet shawl: something that _surely_ wasn't protecting her from the bitter cold. Her hair was delicately curled and pinned into a bob, adorned with glittering jewels and feathers that left you blinking at her surreal appearance.

" _Of course, my_ deer _. I'd love to!_ " A man stepped into view, his visage blurred and garbled by crimson static. " _There's still much entertainment to be had this fine night!_ "

  
  



	8. Green Turns to Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Murder, Blood.
> 
> Enjoy a double update today to help clarify the vagueness of last chapter's ending! I hope it helps clear things up <3

The longer you stared at the man, the less your eyes were able to focus and your head _throbbed_. You were forced to look away, peeking at the woman again in muted surprise as she took his hand to lead him into the nearby alley.

Her cheeks were flushed and her smile the prettiest, happiest thing you had seen in ages. You barely registered the fact the man had a knife tucked behind his back as they disappeared into the darkness.

A shrill, bloodcurdling scream came from the alley hardly a moment later and you dropped your bag in shock.

***

Thoughtlessly, you sprinted to the mouth of the alleyway and tripped over your own feet in your haste to look into what happened. You fell on your knees in the snow, but your hands landed in a pool of surprisingly warm, red liquid and you sharply inhaled when you saw _her._

The woman's eyes were trained on you, though her expression was frozen in a permanent scream and her once green dress was darkened with blood. Your mind didn't process what was going on at first, but then your gaze fell on the knife that jutted out of her chest.

***

Your body began to tremble and you couldn't bring yourself to tear your gaze away from the scene before you. It had taken _seconds_ for it to happen: one moment she was giggling with _that man_ and the next she...

"Oh my g-god," you whimpered, scrambling on your knees to move to her side and hover your hands over her.

With a sickening **_crack_** , her head snapped in your direction: her doe eyes illuminated with a yellow light that nearly blinded you.

Claws shot out of the darkness, grabbing her by the ankles to drag her out of your sight.

***

You were rooted in place, questioning if what you saw was _real_ or if you were losing your goddamn mind. Terrified tears felt frozen to your cheeks and you were _shaking_ , but you couldn't tell if it was from the cold or the panic you were trying to fight back.

It took what felt like eons for you to move and it was only for you to scream when someone placed their hand on your shoulder.

The student from the " _Gemini_ " store recoiled from you and held up your bag of purchases. "Dude, are you okay? Should I call somebody?"

***

Distantly, you knew you should probably be embarrassed by the way you burst into tears at the sight of a _normal_ person. You knew that the uncomfortable way they thrust your bag at you and slowly gave you space should have made you feel like a lunatic.

Yet you couldn't help but be _relieved_.

Relieved that the blood your hands had fallen in wasn't real. Relieved that you didn't actually stumble in on a murder. _Relieved that you didn't watch her get dragged away._

Wiping your face with your sleeve, you gave a watery smile. "J-just felt overwhelmed, that's all."

***

It hurt to stand since your pants were soaked, allowing the frigid temperature to assail you harder than before, but you pushed through the stiffness. The student seemed dubious of your condition, but still cautiously followed you out of the alley like they expected to see you fall in the snow again.

"You sure you don't need me to call someone?"

You almost blurted "Ghost Hunters", but managed to stop yourself to say, "N-no thank you, I'll be okay."

They shrugged, entering the store as you slipped into your car to crank up the heat.

The dashboard read _8:12 pm_.

***

You were stalling.

The lingering thought that Alastor said he wanted to begin his game at midnight kept you from wanting to return home until the last minute. You ended up buying dinner, pouring through one of your newly purchased books as you picked haplessly at the food.

_Purification spells._

_Banishment rituals._

_Cleansing baths._

It was overwhelming to see the variety of things that were available and frankly, you weren't sure if you could afford waiting for proper planetary or moon alignments. You just wanted to dump a bunch of kitchen spices on the asshole and be done with him.

***

Returning home felt as though you were driving up to death row for your execution.

You ended up sitting in your car, alone in the dark as you clutched your sack of purchases and stared at your house like you were a stalker. It wasn't hard to imagine the radio sitting in there, humming and talking to itself as it awaited your return so it could unleash whatever horrors it had planned on you. Hell, it probably already _knew_ you were back and was just biding its time until you walked in.

You _really_ didn't want to go inside.

***

When you finally mustered up the courage to get out of your car, you saw a deer limp around the corner of your house. A wound on its left shoulder was bleeding profusely, leaving a trail of red in its wake before it collapsed on the ground in a heap.

You shivered, staring at it with wide eyes and waiting for something else to happen, but it didn't move again.

It simply moaned in a too-human voice, " _Please... Help me..._ "

The sound was enough to startle you into running to your door to swiftly unlock it and throw yourself in.

***

You wheezed, greedily gulping in air as your cold cheeks burned from your tears. Why was this happening to you? Did you piss someone off in a past life? Accidentally offended a deity that now had a vendetta? Did-

The sudden crackle of static followed by the crowing of Alastor's voice made you shriek, earning a chuckle from the cursed antique, " _My dear, you look positively shaken! Did something happen?_ "

You didn't answer it - you didn't even bother to take off your boots as you dashed to the safety of your bedroom, all while it cackled maniacally at your expense.

  
  



	9. Time's a Wastin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will sometimes list the actual recipe that our character may attempt in the end notes as some fun trivia for you all <3

_11:43 pm._

The clock on your phone taunted you, leaving you shaking and wheezing as you tried to sort through your purchases to prepare yourself. Your vision was spinning and your gut was churning, though you weren't sure if you should sit or run for the bathroom to barf.

Herbs, candles, books and salt were scattered across your bed, but you had no idea what you should do with them. There were no easy to follow instructions and Google kept giving you conflicting answers, resulting in you being a frantic, blubbering mess.

What if you just made things _worse_?

***

_11:51 pm._

_Black candles are traditionally used in spells of banishment and protection as it invokes the element of Spirit. For extra protection during spell work, anoint a black candle with oil and coat it in black salt (not to be confused with the black salt that's used in Indian cooking, which has an eggy taste)._

You dropped your book to pick up the small jar of black salt on your bed and toss a pinch of it into your mouth. The taste of salty charcoal made you sputter, but at least you knew it was the right one.

***

_11:56 pm._

You worked on gathering everything into your arms, checking and double checking that you had everything. The feeling of being woefully unprepared urged you to sit and try to do a bit more research, but you _needed_ to get started before midnight. If you could banish the demon before he can start his game, then you could laugh it all off and go to bed so you could carry on with your life.

"I can do this," you whispered, trying to encourage yourself with a half assed positive affirmation. "I've got this. Do it for the nap."

***

_11:58 pm._

You dropped everything onto your living room floor, scrambling to sort and uncap bottles as the radio curiously buzzed to life.

" _Well what's all this whacky nonsense, my dear?_ "

You tried to ignore the voice, reading over the bottles’ contents before dumping them onto the end table where the antique sat. 

**Vinegar** : _banishes, binds and repels evil_.

**Mullein** : _protection from nightmares, promotes courage, dispels sorcery._

**Black Pepper** : _banishes negativity, exorcisms, protects from evil_.

**Cloves** : _banishes hostile spirits, purifies, brings mental clarity._

You hastily doused the herbs in vinegar, then sprinkled a generous amount of salt over them.

***

_11:59 pm._

You realized too late that you lacked a base for the tapered candle that came with the kit and swore under your breath as you tried to get it to stand up on its own. The haphazard balancing act made you worry that this might end with you burning your house down, but you struck the match and lit it anyways.

Using the candle to light a bundle of white sage, you jerkily began to wave it around in the air like you were trying to shoo a fly, chanting, "Get out of my house, _get out_!" 

***

"Get out of my head, get out of my house - _get out of my fucking radio_."

" _WHAT A PECULIAR SPELL,_ " Alastor announced energetically and scoffed your antics. " _NOT QUITE WHAT_ I _WOULD CHOOSE, BUT PERHAPS OUR CONTENDER HAS A TRICK UP HER SLEEVE!_ "

The stress, anxiety and exhaustion that you had been experiencing for weeks bubbled in your chest, heating your body with your bottled up frustration. You growled and grabbed the bottle of vinegar, splashing the rest of its contents directly onto the radio and slapped a black stone on top of it.

**Hematite** : _protection, cleanses negativity, grants courage._

***

" _O... Ooh... W-what's this...?_ " The voice in the radio questioned with a tremor in his tone, " _I... Is this..._ Hematite?"

You blinked owlishly and jerked your hand away from it in case there was a repeat of "The Salty Incident". "Um... Yeah?"

"CURSE _you, you wicked mortal,_ " it hissed and you jumped. " _How dare you- you... You can't banish_ me _! I-_ "

Alastor's voice cut itself off with a shriek that shook the walls of your house and made your ears pop. You slapped your hands over them, wincing and cringing until the shrill, grating noise drew to a sudden halt.

***

_12:00 am._

The silence was jarring and you couldn't help but pinch yourself to see if that really just happened. It was no longer glowing and the antique wasn't making any more noises as it sat innocently in the midst of the mess you had made.

You released a breath you didn't know you were holding and slumped back to soak in the possibility that your attempt at banishing him _worked_.

"Holy shit," you murmured, running your hands through your hair. "I can't believe that fucking did it. _Holy shit_ \- take _that,_ you slimy spawn of a whore's dick!"

***

You sat up, ignoring the way adrenaline gave you the jitters as you began corking the bottles of herbs to put away and vowing to never make fun of witches again. Never again were you going to buy something drunk off eBay - in fact, you were going to stick that radio in a box and ship it off to a museum that collected haunted junk. 

Leaning forward to begin scooping up the herbs and salt floating in a puddle of vinegar, you wrinkled your nose when you caught a faint whiff of decay.

Then the radio clicked back on.

***

" _NOW THIS IS NEW: A BOTCHED ATTEMPT AT CREATING A FOUR THIEVES VINEGAR!_ "

You yelped, falling back and spider walking away from it as fast as you could.

Alastor chortled, " _I'M BEGINNING TO SEE A PATTERN HERE... AH WELL, ADD ANOTHER TALLY TO OUR CONTESTANT'S FAILURES, MR PRODUCER!_ "

"W-what? But you- _how_?!"

" _Oh,_ darling. _Surely you didn't actually fall for my little act?_ " The laugh track played mockingly and he purred, " _I must say, I did so enjoy your performance and our audience did too: our ratings went through the roof!_ "

You sighed miserably, "Of _course_ it wouldn't be that easy..."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Black Salt Recipe:**  
>  -Two parts Sea Salt. Dead Sea Salt would be the best, but some recipes will use Pink Himalayan Salt if it's appropriate.  
> -One part Charcoal. Some recipes will call for Black Pepper, however I've found a blend of both works quite well! For your source of Charcoal, I recommend using a coconut shell, but there are many other options as well.  
> -Grind your ingredients down and if it's not as dark as you wanted, slowly add more Charcoal/Pepper until it looks right to you.  
> Black Salt is commonly used in Wicca and/or Witchcraft as a source of protection and banishment, however there are other practices that use it for curses and hexes. It has a variety of spiritual uses, so be sure you do your research before throwing it in a demon's face~ 
> 
> **Four Thieves Vinegar:**  
>  -Apple Cider Vinegar.  
> -Garlic.  
> -The rest of the ingredients vary _greatly_ depending on who is making it and the amounts used are typically eyeballed, but I would recommend a teaspoon of the following: Rosemary, Lavender, White Sage, Thyme, Mint, Black/Red Pepper and Cloves. You can use any combination of them - or even add stuff I didn't list here! These are just the most common spices I see added to it. However, it _must_ contain the Apple Cider Vinegar and Garlic.  
> -Place all of your ingredients in a jar and leave it in your windowsill for four days while shaking it once in the morning and once at night.  
> Four Thieves Vinegar can be seen used in many traditions as well and the history of it is actually pretty interesting, if that's the sort of thing you like reading about! Most people will use it to ward off psychic attacks, negativity and for additional protection during rituals.  
> This is actually the recipe our dear reader got her idea from, but she unfortunately went about it the wrong way... Oh well~


	10. Not Like Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Forced self harm, but nothing major.
> 
> Thank you again for all of the lovely support. Your kind words give me the motivation to continue pressing forward with this story, even when I have my doubts <3

You groaned, pushing yourself to sit up properly as the radio cackled mercilessly at you for falling for its trick like an _idiot_. How stupid could you be for thinking it would be that simple? You had placed all your eggs in one basket and didn't even stop to consider what you would do if it _failed_.

" _May as well start the game now that you're in here!_ "

Glaring at it, you rubbed your head and droned tiredly, "If I asked you nicely, would you go away forever?"

" _Ha! No, but my, how adorably foolish of you to consider it!_ "

***

Blindly, your hand searched for a jar, but you refused to take your eyes off the radio in case it tried something the moment you weren't looking. The very air in the room was buzzing, filling with a dark charge of electricity that made a primal wave of fear rocket up your spine. 

" _I think it's time we started taking my game seriously, my dear,_ " Alastor crooned, his voice bright with excitement. " _Do you remember the rules?_ "

"Don't let you out and don't say my name," you squeaked and wished you could be literally anywhere else.

He chuckled, " _Good girl..._ "

***

" _Do try your best, but I doubt you'll survive our next performance. It was a pleasure to meet you, Contestant!_ "

"Wait, hold on a sec-"

All it took for you to lose yourself was a single blink.

It felt like someone dumped a bucket of tar on your head that oozed its way into your skull, slowing your racing mind to a halt. Your vision blurred and your skin burned, leaving you feeling numb to the world around you as you bonelessly slumped against the carpeted floor.

Then, like a puppet, you stood and faced the radio with a smile.

***

You felt light: so sweet, so serene.

Everything moved like a dream: beautiful, terrible.

It was like being on a cloud: weightless, mindless.

You stooped forward, an arm bent across your waist in a bow and you spoke in a static laced voice, " _WELL FOLKS, LET US BEGIN THE RITUAL!_ "

The cathedral radio was shining like a beacon of crimson and gold, watching on in delight as you picked up a glass bottle and crushed it between your palms. Shards stuck in your skin, but you didn't _mind_ as you hummed and plucked one out, admiring the way it sparkled.

***

" _WE'RE HAVING A_ BLOODY _GOOD TIME TONIGHT,_ " you proclaimed and swayed in place, dancing to a silent tune. " _YOU COULD SAY WE'RE HAVING A_ CLOT _OF FUN!_ "

You could hear the audience's laughter roaring in your ears and for a brief second, the smile on your face faltered when you recalled something... Wasn't... Right...

Nevertheless, you grinned and pressed the glass to your index finger, digging it into the tender flesh to get your life's ink flowing. You hummed happily, smearing the crimson fluid across the floor as you drew intricate symbols to summon the _real_ star of the show.

***

Your whistles were accompanied by static as you reached for the spices scattered about, preparing to sprinkle them onto your newest work of art. The room was practically vibrating in anticipation, for there were only a few more to go - _just a few more until_ **he** _was here_!

Pounding on the window made you look up with a curious tilt of your head, though never did your smile drop.

A doe, bleeding profusely from the hole in its skull, opened its mouth to sob, " _Please... Don't..._ "

You tsked, blankly watching as your shadow rose up to deal with the nuisance.

***

" _Wake up,_ " it begged in agony, weakly headbutting the window. " _Wake... Up..._ "

The shadow stretched itself out, arching its claws to shred apart the intruder as it stalked towards the window. You _knew_ you were in control, yet... It felt... Wrong. You should be scared of that, shouldn't you?

" _Don't be silly: we know I'm the one in control,_ " the radio told you. It was such a lovely antique, too: straight from your old glory days!

You twitched. No, that wasn't right... You weren't even _alive_ then.

The smile plastered on your lips jerked and twisted into a horrified grimace.

***

Cobwebs clung to your mind, trying to prevent you from lingering on the thought for too long: it was **_insignificant_**. The way the deer stumbled to flee from the approaching shadow was a better subject for your focus. A healthy dose of fear _always_ perked you right up!

For a brief moment, a shiver of delight at its terror made your skin prickle with goosebumps, but it was quickly doused in self disgust.

You gripped the side of your head and shook it as hard as you could. What was **_wrong_ ** with you? What the hell were you even _doing_?!

***

Letting out a confused scream, you threw the bottle of spices you had picked up, letting it smash against the wall as you tore at your hair. Something- something was _in your head_! You wouldn't do anything like this: _why did you do any of it!?_

You choked on a bitter wail as _feelings_ and _thoughts_ began flooding back into your body like a spell had been lifted. The cuts on your palms _hurt_ , a pounding in your skull made you want to hurl and you were _so cold_.

"... _Oh my,_ " the radio murmured with a starstruck gasp. " _How... Entertaining..._ "

***

Your eyes watered, dancing between the shadow, the radio and the tapered candle that had somehow _not_ fallen over as you reeled to figure out what just happened. 

" _You..._ " Alastor laughed, but it sounded breathless. " _You kicked me out?_ "

Rage spurred you to swat at the candle, knocking it towards it without giving a damn about setting your house on fire. You weren't even surprised that the shadow caught it as it fell - you didn't _care_.

You were busy swiping your palms over as many of the drawn symbols as possible, smudging them beyond recognition before it could stop you.

  
  



	11. Shut Up (Don't Think About It)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Very minor blood/gore.
> 
> ~~not my strongest chapter, but please enjoy nonetheless!~~

You were crying, fighting to breathe properly as your throat clenched shut and snot dripped down your face. The sensation of losing control of your own body, _your own mind,_ was too fresh, too _raw_ , burning every nerve in your system like they had been hooked to a wall socket.

It left you feeling violated deep, deep inside the core of your very being, but you couldn't think about it. If you thought about it, you wouldn't be able to function. If you couldn't function, you couldn't continue to ruin the symbols.

If you couldn't do that, _he_ would win.

***

" _IT SEEMS OUR STAR IS STRONGER THAN WE THOUGHT! TO BREAK OUT OF POSSESSION - ONE INITIATED BY YOURS TRULY NO LESS... WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!_ "

You didn't register the words that were being announced behind you and hyperfocused on making the sigils as unrecognizable as possible. They were completely foreign to you, but you'd hazard a guess that they would probably bring forth something nastier than what you were already dealing with.

" _WHAT WILL OUR CONTESTANT DO NEXT? STAY TUNED AND FIND OUT!_ "

"Fuck, _fuck_ ," you whimpered, wincing as the glass in your palms dug deeper.

***

The shadow held the tapered candle in its claws, tilting at you curiously before it pinched out the flame and melted back into the floor.

_Good fucking riddance._

" _There now, darling: the microphone is off! It's just_ you _and_ me," Alastor told you, his voice softer than you had ever heard it before: like he was coaxing a spooked animal. " _Do tell me_ how _you managed to take control back! I'm_ dying _to know._ "

Without thinking, you grabbed a bottle of black pepper and hurled it at the radio - only for it to crash harmlessly against a familiar golden barrier.

***

"J-just... _Shut up_!" 

You threw another jar, then another and another until you ran out of ammo to throw. Glass, blood and spices littered your living room, making it look like a war zone straight from _Kitchen Nightmares_ , but did it matter? The mess wouldn't bother you the moment the demon _killed you_.

" _So angry! You'd think I had done something to offend you, my dear._ "

It's words made you gawk, then snort out an incredulous laugh, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

" _Mmm... I take it I_ have _offended you, then._ "

You chucked the bundle of sage leaves at it.

***

You sat back on your haunches, panting and wildly looking between all of the symbols to make sure that you had gotten them all. The stinging in your palms made you sniffle and cradle them to your chest, but there was you were relieved when you saw that you had successfully ruined the sigils.

" _Sweetheart, please. I_ must _know your secret!_ "

"Fuck you: _that's_ my secret!" You turned to shoot it a nasty glare. "Just... _Leave me alone!_ Go away!"

It was silent, as though it was genuinely considering your demand, then it declared, " _No, I don't think I will._ "

***

" _You see, darling, I've been bored for a very long time and-_ "

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EVIL MONOLOGUE," you shouted as loudly as you could, though your voice cracked halfway through. "I don't _care_ why you're here! I don't give a damn about what _you_ want: _just go away_!"

Your outburst only seemed to excite Alastor more as he said, " _Oh, you have no idea what rush you're giving me! I haven't been this entertained since my descent into hell!_ "

Stumbling to your feet, you paced in a circle a few times before choking out, "I-I can't do this."

***

" _What's that, dear?_ "

"I can't _do_ this! I don't know what kind of... Ghost... Demon... _Whatever_ bullshit you did to me, but _no_. Just _n_ _o_."

" _Don't be that way: I'm only having fun with you,_ " Alastor cooed sweetly as the sound of static increased in volume. " _I could have done_ **much** _worse._ "

"Then _double_ fuck you, you rotten piece of garbage!" You stepped over the shards of glass and almost slipped on the bloody carpet on your way to the door. "This is why I never DIY shit. I should've just called an exorcist and stayed in a fucking hotel."

***

The low chuckle Alastor gave made your hackles raise, " _Who's to say I wouldn't follow you?_ "

You whipped around with a sharp inhale and pointed a finger at it. "Don't you _dare_ or... I'll... Uh..."

The antique was _radiating_ a smug energy as you fumbled for words. " _Yes?_ "

Growling, you shoved on your coat and grabbed your keys, "I'll figure something out."

You hurriedly opened the door and shut it behind you, not bothering to lock it: if someone wanted to break in, they were _welcome_ to. You hoped they stole the damn radio as you got in your car.

***

It wasn't until you were sitting in the waiting room of the ER, crying quietly and drinking cheap complimentary coffee that you realized how much glass was embedded in your palms. You were only vaguely aware of what happened when you lost control and it was hard to believe that you had done this to yourself.

None of it felt real, but the pulsing pain in your hands was enough to confirm it was.

Even when the nurse called you to the back, you only followed her in an exhausted daze, wanting nothing more than to sleep off the nightmares.

***

It was quiet as the nurse gently picked the glass from your skin and you were grateful for the blessed silence so you could try to plan your next move.

" _You were so brave tonight..._ "

Confused, you finally looked at the woman and choked when you took in her white nurse's dress and cap: _not_ the scrubs you were expecting. Blood dripped from her empty eye sockets, staining the pristine material as she smiled at you softly.

Closing your eyes broke the illusion, but you were still shaken to the core. 

The nurse never noticed your flash of internal panic.

  
  



	12. The Boring Bookstore Chapter

_8:58 am._

You stared in the doors of the bookstore, watching the employees awkwardly shuffle around and occasionally cast you nervous stares. Not that you blamed them: you were sure you looked like a zombie banging its head against the window to get a nibble of their succulent flesh.

The in house barista was preparing her machines and setting out display pastries, making you longingly press your cheek against the glass to get a better view.

After what felt like hours, the cashier hesitantly opened the door and asked, "Can we help you...?"

"Do you have books on demons?"

***

_The effectiveness of a banishment spell depends on many factors: the day of the week, the moon phase or even the castor's intentions. When casting out an unwanted spirit, one should meditate and ground so that they do not enter a Circle with a troubled mind, for that will lead to unstable spell work._

You frowned, tiredly rubbing your eyes with the back of your bandaged hands before glancing around at the eerily empty bookstore. It had seemed like a good idea to go there after leaving the hospital, but now that you had been there awhile...

You felt watched.

***

Another coffee, another book.

You were certain that your wallet was probably crying from all the money you had spent recently, but it felt like it didn't matter in the long run.

_Casting a circle varies between traditions, but the most common methods to open a circle is to spread salt or holy water deosil, and to close it you move widdershins._

You could practically feel your soul yeeting out of your body as you pulled your phone closer to look up the terms.

"Oh Jesus Christ, why couldn't they just say clockwise and counterclockwise?"

"Studying the occult, are we?"

***

You startled and accidentally punched your coffee off the table at the sound of a sudden voice behind you. A man smiled at you and held his hands up in surrender when you whipped your head around to give him the stink eye.

Sparkling brown eyes and a head of tousled, coal black hair greeted your sour stare, revealing someone who was apparently unfazed by your disheveled appearance. Paired with a disarming half smile that would have made you swoon if you weren't halfway into a sleep deprived coma, the man motioned to your book.

"Sorry, I was only curious."

***

Once your body caught up with the fact that he wasn't a demon trying to eat you, you made a noise akin to a dying walrus and got up to mop up your coffee off the floor.

"O-oh _golly_ , I'm so sorry, here-" he stammered as he knelt down to help and swiped up the busted paper cup. "I-I really didn't mean to scare you, I just happened to notice what you were reading and-"

You sat back and lifted your brows, then drawled, "Okay, hot stuff. Whaddya want?"

He looked like a deer caught in headlights. "I'm... Sorry? What?"

***

"What do you _want_?" Your tone was sharper than you intended, but you weren't really in the mood to deal with some random nosy person. "Or is it your hobby to scare people in bookstores."

Your bluntness only seemed to fluster him more as he took the napkins from you and hastily dabbed at the puddle. "N-no, I just... Well. I- you see... I was watching you-"

" _Oookay_ , that's my cue." Demonic radios were one thing, but you weren't adding a _stalker_ to your list of troubles. "I'm out of here."

"W-wait no, that came out wrong! _I work here_!"

***

You eyed his outfit and noted that he was indeed wearing the vest that matched the other employees, but you remained dubious about his intentions. Either he was really awkward, creepy or both and you weren't sure if you wanted to find out.

"I-I... Saw... What you picked out? I- well. I read a _lot_ , so I thought I could offer you some more specific recommendations," he said with a self aware cringe. "This went a lot better in my head." 

You felt a small spark of pity for the awkward bastard and sighed.

"Got a recommendation for banishing demons?"

***

The man's face visibly brightened at your question and you instantly regretted asking when he began to babble a hundred miles per hour. You gawped at him, letting him ramble on for a minute before grabbing his shoulders to firmly shake him once.

"Preferably in English and not whatever the hell you were just speaking."

He had the decency to look abashed and clutched the cup and soggy napkins like they were a lifeline. "Right... I can bring you some books- o-oh I should replace your coffee too. Is that okay?"

You weren't about to say _no_ to free coffee.

***

Sitting at your table, you lazily traced the lid of your cup and rested your head in the palm of your hand while you waited for the nerd to come back. Your eyes drifted shut, briefly allowing you to nod off thanks to your perpetual exhaustion.

_You were running, blindly sticking you hands out in front of you to guide your way. You couldn't see - how could you when that_ man _carved your eyes out? - and you knew it was pointless to try to escape in these woods._

_"Oh,_ deer _, come back! You said you'd keep your_ eyes _on me!"_

***

You snorted awake when books were suddenly dropped onto the table and the man smiled at you sheepishly. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were asleep."

You waved it off and lifted one of the books to curiously peek at the cover: _Vodou of the Bayou._

"I'm Albert, by the way," he shyly offered.

You almost returned it with your name, but changed your mind at the last second. "Nunya."

"Nunya?"

You scoffed and opened the book, "Nunya business, that is."

Albert laughed it off in good humor, but you could still feel the chill of eyes watching you from somewhere.

  
  



	13. Blue Turns to Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating for a few days: I wasn't feeling too swell, but I hope this chapter makes up for it <3
> 
> **Warning:** Murder.

_"Oh, baby, we'll go to the picture show, won't we? You_ promised _," you giggled lightly, fluffing the delicate curls you had painstakingly styled._

He _was just a few steps behind you, his posture ever so proper with his hands clasped behind his back - and his smile was to_ die _for. How had you gotten so lucky?_

_"Of course, my_ deer. _I'd love to! There's still much entertainment to be had this fine night!"_

_You smiled cheerfully, happily leading him down the side street._

_You never saw the knife coming: you only felt it as_ he _drove it into your chest._

***

The blaring of a horn jolted you awake with a scream and a jerk on the steering wheel to force your car back on your side of the road. Your heart pounded in your chest as the truck drove by - though the driver did flip you the bird - and you sat up in the seat rigidly.

"Okay, me. Don't be a bitch. You're almost home," you quietly coaxed yourself. "Just go in, grab clothes and walk back out."

You hoped that it would be that simple, but you couldn't help but think about all the ways this could go wrong.

***

You squinted at your house suspiciously.

It looked as normal and unassuming as a house could be, but you recalled the mess you had left inside with growing dread. Would it be worse than how you left it? Was that _thing_ waiting for you to step inside so it could kill you?

Shakily, you reached for the newly purchased bible sitting in your passenger seat and wondered just how useful _paper_ would be against it.

"Fuck, maybe it's like Neverland... Just... Gotta believe." You held it up to your face. "I _believe_ in you, God. Don't fucking ditch me now."

***

When you stepped out of your car, you were once again greeted with the sight of a deer standing on the edge of the woods as it watched you. You stared back, not at all surprised that it was there yet you were curious as to _why_ it kept coming around and why it was always _bloody._

Clutching the bible like a weapon, you steeled yourself and began stomping through the snow towards it. You were tired enough that you knew it was probably dangerous, while at the same time not giving a shit because what _else_ could go wrong?

***

Snow crunched beneath your boots as you approached the woods and you were determined to get to the bottom of this nonsense so you could get rid of the demon in peace. Were they hallucinations from your lack of sleep? Mind fuckery brought on by the prick in the radio?

You didn't know, but goddamn it, you were going to _find out_.

The deer waited until you were a few yards away before turning and stepping into the trees. You hesitated a moment before following it: it may have been daylight out, but walking into the woods alone felt... 

Dangerous.

***

When you walked into the thicket, something foreign came over you that guided your path and lead you to follow the footprints that marred the pristine, white ground. You would guess that whoever you were following was wearing heels - a treacherous mistake on their part: they certainly wouldn't be getting _far_ in such impractical wears!

You shifted the bible in your hands, cradling the spine of the book like you would a gun as you called out, " _Oh,_ deer, _you really should smile! You're the star of tonight's show!_ "

Up ahead, the deer halted as if something blocked is way.

***

The doe was lovely, from her velvety fur to her plump thighs: there was a recipe you had been meaning to try out... And she was such a pretty trophy for your collection!

You lifted the gun in your hands, bringing it to your shoulder so you could peer down the sight. A blink and the deer took the form of a woman: dressed to the nines in a blue dress and a sheer shawl that made her delicate skin look all the more _edible_.

Smiling excitedly, your palm cocked the bolt of your rifle and you took aim.

**_BANG._ **

***

The echo of the gunshot knocked you out of the reverie, forcing a gasp from you as you dropped the bible. Pain bloomed in your left shoulder, reminding you of one of the many dreams that had forcibly woke you at night.

"What the _fuck_ ," you sobbed and clutched spot that ached, but there wasn't a physical wound to hold.

Before you, a woman was collapsed on the ground, her blood staining the white around her with a stark crimson. Her glowing eyes focused on you accusingly like floodlights, but shadows consumed her before you could choke out an apology.

***

You scooped up the book and fled from the woods, your lungs burning from the freezing air that you were sucking in as you ran. What the fuck was _that_? It had felt like you had hopped into someone else's memories and killed someone like it was some kind of _game_!

The wind stung your cheeks and you rammed your shoulder into your front door to throw it open - not caring that it only made the phantom pain worse. Your hands knotted in your hair as you dropped to your knees to bawl in the darkness of your home.

***

" _You're back sooner than I expected - and frazzled to boot,_ " the radio hummed and startled you. " _I don't recall doing something to torment you, my dear. What has you in such a tizzy?_ "

"F-fuck you," you spat, hugging yourself tightly as you glared into the living room.

As expected, it still looked like a cult had ransacked your home, though you noted that the table it sat on was perfectly immaculate. The bitch.

"I... I don't have to take your shit. I'm just here for clothes, then you can just _have_ the place."

Alastor chuckled, " _That's not how this works, sweetheart._ "

  
  



	14. Be Sober, Be Vigilant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Important Note:** I will be going on a brief hiatus since I have a fairly important surgery tomorrow (the 27th), so I will not be posting another update for a week or so, depending on how well I recover. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience! Thank you all for the lovely support and I hope you enjoy this chapter for now <3

  
  
Taking a deep breath, you tried to steady yourself as you stood and gripped the bible in your hands tightly. You were only here for some clothes: once you grabbed some, you were hauling ass out of the house and heading straight for the cheapest motel you could find.

Slowly, you approached the radio and held the book like it could physically shield you from whatever it might do. "Listen, you. I have work tomorrow and I haven't showered in like, a week. I'm getting clothes and _leaving_."

To emphasize your words, you forcefully placed the bible on the radio.

***

Nothing happened.

The radio didn't crackle, Alastor didn't dramatically try to play dead, the shadow thingy didn't come out of nowhere to swat you... Absolutely nothing. You'd be relieved if you weren't suspicious of the bitch trying to pull a fast one over you again, but you cautiously left the book on top of it.

"The power of Christ compels you... To uh... Stay. _There_ ," you firmly told it and backed away slowly as if you expected it to lob the bible back at you. "Don't do a thing."

Again, nothing happened, so you hastily scurried off to your bedroom.

***

You blasted through your bedroom like a tornado, tossing everything you could possibly need into a duffel bag as you went. You didn't know how long you would be staying at the motel, but you tried to prepare your bag for a long haul just in case you were gone longer than you planned.

Once you were satisfied, you struggled with the zipper to close it and slung the strap over your shoulder to sprint for the door, then stopped in your tracks when you looked in the living room.

The bible was open and floating idly in the air.

***

" _HUMBLE YOURSELVES THEREFORE UNDER THE MIGHTY HAND OF GOD THAT HE MAY EXALT YOU IN DUE TIME,_ " Alastor crowed like a preacher at a sermon. " _C_ _ASTING ALL YOUR CARE UPON HIM; FOR HE CARETH FOR_ YOU."

You gawped, feeling yourself freeze in place as he continued mockingly reading the scripture.

" _BE SOBER, BE VIGILANT; BECAUSE YOUR ADVERSARY THE DEVIL, AS A ROARING LION, WALKETH ABOUT, SEEKING WHOM HE MAY DEVOUR!"_

"Oh fuck this- _nope_ ," you whispered and rushed towards the door.

You didn't make it past the entryway as something grabbed your ankle and jerked, sending you to the floor.

***

You rolled onto your back, shrieking and kicking at the tar like hand that had jutted up out of your shadow to latch onto your ankle. It yanked on your leg, jerking you towards the living room where the radio continued its preaching from what was supposed to be a _holy_ book.

" _RESIST STEADFAST IN THE FAITH, KNOWING THAT THE SAME AFFLICTIONS ARE ACCOMPLISHED IN YOUR BRETHREN THAT ARE IN THE WORLD!_ "

You swore loudly, grabbing at the walls and carpet as it dragged you along despite your efforts to get free. "Fuck you- _no!_ Let go of me, goddamnit!"

***

The shadow dragged you to the end table that the radio was sitting on, all while Alastor continued reading aloud. It ducked back into your shadow only when your hands scrabbled for the dried up bits of herbs that were from your botched banishment attempt to throw at it.

" _BUT THE GOD OF ALL GRACE, WHO HATH CALLED US UNTO HIS ETERNAL GLORY BY CHRIST JESUS, AFTER THAT YE HAVE SUFFERED A WHILE, MAKE YOU PERFECT, STABLISH, STRENGTHEN, SETTLE_ YOU."

You crawled back as he boomed theatrically, then yelped when the bible dropped down and cracked you on the head.

***

" _THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN: I'M QUITE CERTAIN YOU_ FILTHY _SINNERS ENJOYED HEARING THE WORD OF OUR LORD OUTSIDE OF THE ANNUAL EXTERMINATION,_ " he said to his "audience". " _PERHAPS OUR CONTENDER WILL BRING US A HYMN BOOK NEXT TIME! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT!_ "

There was a familiar click, signalling that he was done broadcasting for the moment and you braced yourself for what was to come. The antique sat quietly, as if it was regarding you, then it began to hum like you had done something rather endearing.

" _Why don't you stay tonight?_ "

***

"You're joking," you deadpanned and meekly threw a broken bottle at it, watching it bounce off the golden barrier harmlessly. "Do you think I'm that stupid?"

" _Not at all, my dear! You're rather smart for wanting to run away,_ " Alastor chuckled. " _But it gets so_ boring _when you're not around._ "

You hissed, "That sounds like a whole lot of _not my problem_. Go suck a dick if you're bored."

The radio made a sound like glass was breaking accompanied with a record scratch, but he only laughed it off and said, " _If you leave, I'll have to take drastic measures._ "

***

You looked at it with a blank expression, unsure if you heard it right. Did it just threaten you over leaving? Was it about to make up a new rule for its stupid little game? What would the asshole do if you ran anyways?

" _I only want to play a game with you,_ " Alastor reminded you as you cautiously stood up. " _And it's much more fun to do that when you're here!_ "

"Well, I don't want to play! Go find someone else to bother, _creep_."

" _Oh, darling... But there's something about you that I can't quite put my finger on!_ "

***

A chill ran up your spine at the words and you glared at the antique harshly. What were you supposed to say to that? The damn thing was probably getting a kick out of watching your skin crawl and only said it to freak you out more than you already were.

"And if I leave anyways?" 

" _I'll tear you asunder and revel in the taste of your warm blood._ " The low growl his voice dropped to made you flinch, but it quickly perked back up to his usual, jovial tune. " _Of course, you're not trapped here forever! Just for_ tonight."

  
  



	15. God Fearing? Or a Sinner?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly coming out of hiatus and I'd just like to thank everybody SO MUCH for all of your love, support and well wishes!! The surgery went well, but I'm still technically in recovery so my updates may still be slow. I'll do my best to bring you content as quickly as possible!
> 
> As an aside, I'd like to take a moment to reaffirm that this story will be going to **_dark_** places the further in we get, so please don't be fooled by any comedy you see! I will be continuously updating the tags with any potential triggers, so please be sure to keep yourselves safe, dears!

_  
  
Just for tonight_ , it had said. You found yourself reluctant to believe anything that came from Alastor's metaphorical mouth and you doubted that it would just let you go about your business come morning.

Exhaling, you took a hesitant step towards the door to see how it might react, jumping when it began glowing a furious crimson. Static and white noise began growing in volume until your ears began to ring and you covered them with your hands to lessen the rising pain.

When you couldn't take it anymore, you stepped closer to the antique; which instantly stopped the racket.

  
***

" _There's no need to be so stubborn, dear. It's only going to make things worse for you,_ " his voice crackled as though he was scolding a child. " _After tonight, you can go about your day! Go..._ Work _with the unsightly peons and flirt with that charming young man you met at the book store!_ "

You swallowed over the dry lump in your throat: he knew about that? Was that why you felt _watched_? It could _follow_ you somehow? Did that shadow creature stalk you when you left?

Was it still _inside_ of you from when you lost control of yourself?

  
***

The radio chortled at your panicked look, " _What was his name?_ Albert _? It would be a shame if I tore out his throat..._ "

The thought of something happening to the awkward, but sweet idiot you had met made your stomach twist into knots. Nobody deserved that, especially not because you had been a moron to get involved with... Whatever this thing was. You didn't think you'd be able to live with the guilt if your stupidity got someone else hurt and you felt helpless and trapped.

Stiffly, you stumbled forward and dropped yourself onto the couch with a whisper, "I'll stay."

***

" _Perfect,_ " Alastor cooed at you, then switched to his more bombastic persona. " _I KNOW YOU FOLKS AT HOME ARE_ DYING _TO KNOW ABOUT OUR STAR, SO TONIGHT I'M BRINGING YOU AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW_!"

Anxiety crawled up your spine as you sat there wondering what it might do. Would it hurt someone if you didn't answer something correctly? Would it hurt _you_ again? Take control of your body and make you use your own blood to paint your carpet?

You stared at the rust colored blotches on the floor and briefly wondered if it would be the last thing you'd see.

***

" _WELL, DARLING? TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF!_ "

Static was ringing in your ears, making it difficult to form thoughts for something - _anything_ \- to say to that wouldn't dig a deeper hole than you were already in. You just wanted to grab your bag and leave: to hop in your car and _drive_. You weren't qualified to deal with this and you had no idea who could possibly help you.

" _WE'RE WAITING..._ "

"I'm..." The words felt like lead on your tongue and you suddenly wished you had some water. "I'm just... An idiot.."

The radio chuckled, " _OH DARLING, WE ALREADY KNEW THAT!_ "

***

You snapped and tried to ignore the growing panic in your chest, "Then what the fuck do you want from me?"

" _LET'S START WITH YOUR NAME!_ "

"It's-" You cut yourself short and hissed angrily, " _Nunya_ fucking business."

" _IT WAS WORTH A TRY,_ " it hummed, though you could hear the barely restrained laughter as it continued speaking. " _HOW DID A SWEET LITTLE DOE LIKE YOURSELF FIND YOURSELF TANGLED IN THE NASTY WORLD OF DEMONS_?"

"Wine."

" _... WINE?_ "

You nodded and clutched your knees as you tried to regulate your breathing. "A whole bottle, I think. It was cheap and on sale."

***

There was a long pause where the only sound you could hear was your own breathing and the white noise emitting from the antique beside you. You felt like there was a weight in your chest that made it harder to breathe and the suspense of waiting for its reaction only filled you with more and more dread.

After what felt like years, Alastor began to cackle, " _OH, I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE A DELIGHT RIGHT FROM THE START, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WOULD BE COMEDY GOLD_!"

You grit your teeth and scrunched your shoulders up defensively.

***

" _SO ASIDE FROM GETTING OSSIFIED, WHAT_ ELSE _DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?_ " It paused, then mockingly added, " _ASIDE FROM DANCING POORLY AND SIGNING HORRIBLY OUT OF TUNE._ "

Your cheeks burned from embarrassment and before you could stop yourself, you said, "Well at least I don't smell like a rat crawled up my ass and _died_!"

Without missing a beat, Alastor retorted, " _I wouldn't be so sure about that, sweetheart. A week without showering has done you no favors! Ah-ha-ha!_ "

You couldn't decide if you wanted to scream in frustration or cry angrily. "I wonder whose fault _that_ is!"

***

" _Certainly not_ mine! _I did nothing to stop you from_ bathing _yourself._ "

You twisted in place to glare at the radio fully: your panic ebbing away in the face of anger and indignation. "Who in their right mind would prioritize a shower with a freaking _demon_ in their house?"

It muttered quietly, but you still managed to catch, " _The women of_ my _day were far more hygienic._ "

"The women of your day probably didn't have a bastard demon radio in their house trying to play some fucked up Jigsaw game with them just so he can have a fucking giggle!"

***

" _While I'm not sure what_ puzzles _have to do with this, I assure you that they dealt with their fair share of demons_ ," it told you. " _Many avid hunters prowled the streets back then..._ "

Something about its tone of voice made you freeze and think back to the dreams and hallucinations of women and deer. Did it hunt _them_? Were you going to be joining their ranks? 

" _NO MATTER: LET US CONTINUE OUR LITTLE INTERVIEW_!" The white noise suddenly stopped and Alastor purred, " _My dear, sweet "Nunya"... I really_ must _ask: are you a God fearing woman? Or a_ sinner?"

  
  



	16. Amidst Chaos Comes a Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A haiku from my outline:
> 
> Alastor's a bitch  
> Run to the bathroom and hide  
> Roll over and cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what- where the fuck did time go i swear i didn't mean to go on hiatus this time lmao rip

  
  
_Are you a God fearing woman? Or a_ sinner _?_

You stared at the radio, unsure of how you should respond. It felt like a trick question - especially considering how the radio was reading from the _freaking bible_ moments ago without any signs of it actually bothering the damn thing. Everything you had previously attempted to do to outsmart it failed miserably and you were afraid your next move could be your last.

" _WELL? WE SHOULDN'T KEEP OUR DEAR LISTENERS WAITING..._ "

Exhaling at Alastor's warning tone, you hurriedly scrambled to think of a response before you panicked and blurted out, "Both."

***

" _AS I SUSPECTED, A-_ " The radio cut his voice off with a burst of static that nearly made you jump out of your skin. " _My dear, I don't think I heard you quite right. Did you say_ both?"

You swore under your breath and gave a stiff nod as you cringed in on yourself in embarrassment and horror. What the hell were you supposed to say to add on to that? "I didn't actually mean to say it, but you put me on the spot"? He'd probably have his shadow puppet pop out and smack you into the next week.

***

There was a pause where all you could hear was the faint crackling of white noise from the radio that left you sitting in tense silence. You wanted to barf from the anxiety that bubbled in your chest and threatened to make your lungs burst, but there was a distant thought that you would already have a hard enough time cleaning the blood from your carpet.

" _Do explain_ ," Alastor demanded in a soft, but threatening purr. " _Our listeners would_ love _to know what you mean._ "

You couldn't recall a moment where you wanted to scream more than you did now.

***

"I... Uh... You know... Isn't... Every... Sinner god fearing...?" The words were dying in your throat and you searched the room for something that could help when your eyes fell to the bible left in the midst of glass shards and dried herbs and you muttered, "Except you, apparently."

" _HA! I haven't feared God in a long time, my dear. Not since I was a mortal man of flesh and blood,_ " he said with a voice that dripped with mock amusement. " _Not that the same can be said of_ other _sinners here in Hell... But that's neither here nor there!_ "

***

He didn't give you time to fully absorb what he said before he moved the conversation along, "You _don't strike me as a person of faith either._ "

You dryly swallowed and laughed nervously: there wasn't any way you could protest that you _weren't_ a person that turned to religion until you were neck deep in a situation where it apparently couldn't help you. Not that _he_ needed to call you out on it as if you were in denial or something - you were well aware that you were up shit creek without a paddle.

"I guess I'm a sinner then...?"

***

" _A sinner?_ " The familiar laugh track chimed, accented by his chuckles, " _You're too_ boring _to be one of us. I doubt you've done a single thing to earn a place among demons, though you're certainly too_ stupid _to be singing with the angels..._ "

If you weren't terrified and more focused on trying to figure out how to get out of this, you might have been offended. What could you say or do that would _help_ the situation? Do something "stupid" so it makes him bust out laughing at you again?

Although... He did seem to be easily amused by it...

***

" _Since that line of questioning seemed to throw you for a loop, let's move to something a bit more simple! Do-_ "

You shot up off the couch and shouted, "I need the bathroom!"

" _... Really._ "

As dramatically as you could manage, you doubled over and clutched your gut, then groaned, "I-I can't hold it anymore and I'm not about to p-piss on my couch."

_Oh god, please work, just accept it you stupid piece of shit, please please please_ , you practically screamed in your head.

" _... WELL FOLKS, I GUESS WE'LL BE TAKING AN IMPROMPTU BREAK! WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES._ "

***

You waited for the familiar "click" before you slowly took a step back and watched it for any signs of that shadow muppet to come out and drag you back. It didn't _look_ like anything was going to happen, but you could never tell when it came to Alastor.

" _I thought you had urgent matters to attend to,_ " the radio drawled, an unspoken threat in the staticy voice.

It was all you needed to turn tail and run down the hall and into the bathroom, where you slammed the door and locked it behind you.

" _Fuck_ ," you croaked out hopelessly.

***

Your knees wobbled as you stumbled forward and braced yourself on your sink as you tried to calm your rising disbelief: he actually let you walk off! It meant that you _could_ derail the demon, even it was for a moment, and you needed to figure out how to use it to your advantage.

"Think... Fucking _think_ ," you scolded yourself and turned on the water, splashing some of it on your face in an attempt to clear your mind. 

A dozen thoughts shot through your head, but all you could think of was how everything you did would _fail_ horribly.

***

" _Damnit_! Fucking _shit_!" 

You gripped your hair and paced in a circle, but it did little to calm your nerves. What now? _What could you do!?_

" _Oh darling, as amusing as it is to listen to your breakdown, I'm on a tight schedule,_ " Alastor's voice carried down the hall.

There it was again: _amusing_. He thought you were amusing - he thought your _failures_ were funny! The fucking _asshole_ -

An idea struck you like a lightning bolt and you angrily yanked your phone from your pocket to bring up Google while you hissed under your breath, "I'll show _you_ amusing, bitch."

**Author's Note:**

> We now have fan art! If you would like me to add yours to the list, please leave a link in the comments, [tag me on Tumblr](https://crabbymaiden.tumblr.com/) or message me on Discord and I'll get you added in!
> 
> Thank you all so much for creating such lovely works! I'm deeply flattered ksjfdgkf
> 
> **Fan Art**  
> ["Hunter Alastor" by hyperionova](https://hyperionova.tumblr.com/post/190725968126/something-i-drew-for-crabbymaidens-fic-love-you)  
> ["Ch2 Dream Sequence Comic" by goldenfantasia](https://goldefantasia.tumblr.com/post/190941711601/a-short-webcomic-of-crabbymaidens-fic-love-you)  
> 
> 
> I also run a discord server for writing/creativity, so if you're interested in joining, please see [my profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrabbyMaiden/profile) for more details! <3 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Love You Dumbly](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588981) by [FriendlyCactus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyCactus/pseuds/FriendlyCactus)




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